Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

My wife and I were watching a rerun of America’s Most Wanted and saw that you just had a birthday. So with all sincerity we want to say that we are glad they never caught you and best wishes for the new decade.... Oh, and although it’s you who usually gives advice, may I suggest keeping to the right side of the law from here on in. That means the next time a stranger ask you to break a dollar, give them the right amount. Shortchanging once is a mistake but 105 cases in 32 states is a crime spree…

Signed, Clyde and Bonnie

Dear Clyde and Bonnie,

First, thank you for my birthday wishes. Please know I have amended my ways. But before you judge me understand that I was part of a cycle of abuse. When I was five I was standing in front of a gumball machine at the corner candy store with a quarter. The quarter didn’t fit and I needed a nickel. I went up to a stranger and asked the man if I could have a nickel for my quarter. I swear to God he gave me exactly what I asked for. Well, I got my gumball and it wasn’t until years later that it dawned on me that I had been bamboozled and was out 20 cents. I don’t share this story to garner sympathy. I share it in the hopes that for those of you out there who can, please contribute to my Rehab Kickstarter. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

My parents are divorced. When I’m with my dad in the summer he likes to go sailing. When I was little I liked to go, too, but now that I’m 12, not so much. It would break his heart if I told him. How do I avoid the boat next summer?

Signed, love my dad but I’m not a sailor

Dear Not,

I’ll use sailing as an example but first my advice is for all dads who have a passion for something and want their kids to join in. Take candy. That’s it. Really. And it’s never too late. When I say candy I mean it to encompass all manner of junk food or what my own parents used to call, crap.

A friend of mine used to like to take his daughter sailing. To bribe her he would say, “Honey, let’s go on the boat and when we’re done we’ll go get ice-cream.” Is anyone reading this surprised that the little girl couldn’t wait to get off the boat? Now, when I was growing up, my parents would give me a large bag of cheese doodles and directed me to go out and mow the lawn. Well you can bet that I took that bag and, while sitting on the back porch, would feed occasional cheese doodles to the neighbor’s kid who I had tricked into mowing our lawn. Okay, maybe that was a poor example, though it is a fun memory.

Seriously though, young lady, work with your father. Help him find ways to introduce things to do on the boat when you’re out there. Take friends, snacks, games.

Trust me you don’t want to pass up these times you’ll have together. They will be fewer and far between. Now, summer’s going to come soon so start thinking. I have every reason to believe your father will work with you. —O.G. 

Dear Old Guy,

I have an embarrassing problem I’ve never seen addressed here or anywhere. I’m a 59-year-old woman, divorced for 10 years. I’m what you would call attractive and now that my kid’s are off to school I am considering dating again. Many men have asked me out but I’ve developed a personal issue that has kind of crept up on me. I may as well just come out and say it.

During my years of being a stay at home mom I never bothered to keep myself from passing wind… in fact it was kind of funny at first because when my kids were small it would make them laugh. Well, now that I’m older I’ve lost the ability to keep the gas at bay. Really. Lord knows I’ve tried to practice but out it comes and loud too because I’ve developed a habit giving an extra push for effect. I could be doing the dishes, watching television, rolling a cart through the dairy isle at the grocery. I just can’t keep it in anymore. How can I begin dating when it’s clear I’ll never make a good impression? Please help. With the kids gone I’ve been so lonely!

Signed Windy Wendy

Dear Windy,

I love my wife for the very thing you describe. She passed wind on our second date and I knew she was the one. I kid you not. Call me odd but I think passing gas is a barrier that should be broken early and often in a relationship. It’s a way of telling the other person, I’m comfortable around you.

The problem comes in when the person you’re first getting to know isn’t aware of the joys of being free… yes, free. Here’s my recommendation. My research assistant did a little digging and found out who you are and where you live. Fortunately you’re in luck. There’s a restaurant near you that serves great German food and homemade sauerkraut. Meet there on your first date and trust me, whoever the lucky fellow is, he will be breaking the sound barrier long before you do. Have a great time and try the mustard. It’s superb. —O.G.