Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

My New Years resolution is to not work so hard… this week. An easy promise to keep, really, because I never get letters in the days following Christmas, anyway. I just figure it’s because all of you are standing on line at Walmart, Penny’s or E.J. Korvette trying to return, as my mother used to say, the broken schlock.

And because, in the days following New Year’s, most readers are too bleary eyed to read, the next eight column inches can be filled with anything I fancy. I refuse to do another piece on New Years Resolutions And How To Keep Them or How To Get The Most From That New Gym Membership. Would it really help anyone to see another article on treating hangovers? I get a headache just thinking about that one.

So, while sitting over my handy, durable American made IBM electric typewriter, mulling what to write, I unpackaged the pretty Oriental fan, a stocking stuffer, which I had received for the holidays. Silly me. I thought I knew how to use one but in pulling the fan from the wrapping I noticed a short set of instructions. I kid you not, they read—

When shutting the right hand is affixed from the state to the open fan, it hauls in from the finger from the left hand along the crease, it draws, and it folds.

Now I was confused because up until then I had opened and closed decorative paper fans without a problem. Maybe my brain needed some food so I decided it was time to have lunch. Reaching to the cupboard I pulled down a package of soup. Simply boil water and dump in the contents, right? Wrong. Read on—

1-To place bag in a plenty of the boiling added some salt water.

2-To cook on moderate fire of 15 minutes.

3-To get a bag having picked up a plug for a loop stipulated for the purpose.

4-To allow water to flow down.

5-To open a bag having broken it off on a line of notches.

6-Lay out a product on a dish and to add oil to taste.

OK, maybe I wasn’t really hungry after all and figured I’ll go to the garage and try the nice new drill press my wife surprised me with. I had always wanted one. Well, I was about to plug it in for the very first time when my eye caught a large yellow tag hanging from the motor. It directed—

1-While using the power cable needs to connect ground.

2-After using a period of time should lubricate with stalk abore a several drops of engine oil then in stalk set.

3-The operation insureses before headstock covers.

4-Fixation to a workpiece, prevent workpiece eddy.

There was more, but is need I go on? At this point there was only one hole I wanted make, one in my head. So I did the unthinkable. Going back into the house I took down my boxed gun from the bedroom closet. I had never opened it before, but now was the time. Sitting on the edge of my mattress I removed the lid. That’s when I saw it. Printed neatly on a quarter sheet of 20-pound white linen paper was the following—

1-Pull out the magazine. Just pull that be very simple.

2-Push the bottom of the magazine up to the bottom. Take the bullet in. From down to up fill 10 pieces bullet.

3-Recover the triggle and then can do it—

Suddenly I was not even in the mood to take my own life. There was only one thing left. It was something I had sworn I would rather die than do. Put together that IKEA dresser like I had been promising since my wife’s birthday two years ago.

Sliding the flattened contents from the box I found the instructions in a plastic bag with the nuts, bolts and a special one of a kind wrench. At least these directions were not translated from some foreign tongue. They were illustrations so simple a child of five could do it. This was going to be a cinch—

Oh my. 2016 is not off to a good start. Happy New Year —O.G.