October 20 2015

Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,
I know this issue seems small compared to all the other crap going on in the world but it has to do with the proliferation of the use of drones for sport and commercial ventures. I don't want these things buzzing around overhead. I just don't. I've given up going to the lake because of all the loud, rude f-king jet skies.

Turning inland I have been to the park only to find these electronic mosquitoes destroying my peace and quiet.

Why is it that just because something can make a company money that the rest of us have to suffer. Don't think that FAA rules with slow down the onslaught. Drones are a hobby that are just getting started. The idea that companies like Amazon want to appear cool and promote the concept of deliveries by the use of drones has me worried no end... And don't think there won't be accidents either. Who's going to be responsible when these flying menaces come crashing down and start killing people... or when they become the delivery system of choice for drug dealers and terrorists...
Signed, Fear of flying objects

Dear Fear,
I've put up with much in my life and, as aggravating as any situation has been, I rarely have had a violent impulse. That said, the mention of drones has made me rethink my position on gun control. If someone has the right to fly one of those infernal contraptions anywhere near me then I feel it's my right... no, my duty as an American to shoot it down. If any of my readers thinks I'm kidding try getting in my airspace! —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,
I recently lost a lot of weight. Because of this I am getting all sorts of attention that I thought I wanted but now I realize I don't. I don't dress provocatively or anything like that. Besides becoming enormous again is there anything you might recommend?
Signed, Slim and unhappy

Dear Slim,
There is one sure way to get people to turn away and leave you alone. Anytime you feel an unwanted stare just casually put your finger in your nose and give slow, luxurious pick. No, really. This works. Even a cop eying you with suspicion will turn away and go on about his business. I have my suspicions as to why this works but we'll leave it to the sociologists to debate. Try it for a week. I think it will change your life. Hey, write back and tell me how it went using the nom de plum Slim Pickens—O.G.

Dear Old Guy,
I'm 26 and have an embarrassing condition. Instead of having five toes on each foot I have two. Kind of looks like lobster claws. I've managed to work around the issue for my whole life but now there's a problem. There's this woman I really like and she suspects I'm a virgin and well, she's right. One of the ways I've avoided exposing my feet is to not get physically involved with anyone I've dated. But this is different. I can't resist Sally but I don't want her to laugh at me when we become intimate. My question is this, is it OK for me to keep my shoes on while making love?
Signed, Foot condition

Dear Foot,
The Two Toe people of Zimbabwe, Africa, are a whole tribe of people with your condition. It's called Ectrodactyly, which I believe is pronounced lobster claw syndrome. It's time you stopped letting this issue ruin your life. God only knows what your lady friend might be hiding. It wasn't until after the wedding I discovered my wife has the forked tongue of a snake.

Anyway, cheer up. Remember the story of the Ugly Duckling? If things don't work out romantically with Sally you might consider a job in the Peace Corps with the Two Toe people. —O.G.