Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

 Q-tip here again. Last time I wrote you, you denied being Santa, but your secret is safe with me, Mr. Claus.

This question is about my wife, Ophelia, who is constantly complaining about her mother’s constant complaining. That does not bother me so much as when my wife's complaints are directed at me. As an example, every time my wife and I go on a road trip, she insists I drive. But then either I am going too fast or too slow, too close or not close enough, etc., etc., etc. This has been a constant source of irritation since our first long drive together. Recently, on one long road trip, she went above and beyond with her constant complaining. Now my question is, was it wrong to call my wife Ophelia? I will say, the rest of the ride was very quiet and peaceful.

Signed, Still Peaceful but too Quiet

Dear Still Peaceful,

           You may notice I did a little editing to your letter as a way for me to try to get to the core of the problem. Unfortunately I don’t think I can entirely understand your question. Therefore I’ll try to respond to what I do get.

           What I understand is that you wrote to complain about your wife and mother-in-law because they are always complaining, which means they probably both think that you are constantly complaining. I think if you have kids they are complaining to someone about their childhood. Am I close? It sounds like a nightmare to me but I suspect it’s what energizes your family. And I think you signed up for this many years ago. Here’s why—

           You said this complaining has been going on since your first long road trip. So that’s back to when you were dating and you finally got your hand on that woman’s knee. She was complaining about you even then but she must have been such a hot catch you were willing to put up with anything to get yourself some of that! Now, somehow you have it twisted up in your mind that Ophelia’s complaining is foreplay. That’s why you put up with it to this very day. Every time your wife tells you you’re driving to fast your subconscious takes you back to the excitement of sneaking your arm around your gal for the first time. When she tells you stop driving so crazy you think it’s an invitation to place your hand on her knee, and when she complains, why did you park so far from everything there aren’t even any lights here.

           I got to tell you buddy. I changed my mind. You are in a pretty hot relationship. Wow. Give me a second. Thanks.

           As far as you asking if it’s okay to call your wife Ophelia, I think that’s just fine. Just hold that woman close and tell her, Ophelia heartbeat next to mine. Okay, so try saying it to yourself out loud a couple of times. Thanks for writing, —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

           I noticed in the news lately, including this paper, that the cops are going to finally crack down on distracted drivers. I say it’s about time. I was on the highway the other day and half the people on the road were doing something besides keeping their hands on the wheel and looking out the window. I just don’t know if, even with the police taking action the roads will be any safer. Well?

                                                        Signed, Keep my hands at two and ten

 Dear Keep my hands,

           I don’t think the police are really going to make the roads safer. It’s another revenue stream. Writing tickets. Look, if it were about safety they would never allowed privacy glass in the front of cars. One of the most important things, especially coming to intersections, is being able to have the eye contact with other driver, and now that I’m on a favorite rant, how can those loud booming stereos be safe? I’ve never seen the cops pull anyone over for that!

Nope, the Jeannie is out of the bottle on distracted drivers and there is no stopping it. Too many corporations making money making things to distract drivers for us ever to go back.

I honestly think if states wanted to keep the roads safe from they would ban the use of any cars manufactured, let’s say, post 2010. Why? They are all dangerous and getting worse. Try to find a new car you can see out of for starters. Then get rid of conventional knobs and switches you can feel with your finger tips and put in a computer screen that requires you to take your eyes off the road. That’s safe? If I ran an insurance company I’d be up in arms over that one. The dashboard has been replaced with a video game. Sorry but I thought the object of most video games was to win by killing others. Cars more safe now than ever? The roads getting safer, ever? Are you crazy?

Oh, and by the way, if you want a safe car I’m selling my wife’s Pinto Wagon. Check the classifieds here for details. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

           I’m 12, get decent grades and am not doing the stuff many kids my age are, like hefalumping and twerkling, thinks like that. The problem is that I think I’m old enough to drink coffee but my mom say’s no because it’s a drug. I don’t think that’s fair. What can I tell both my parents so I don’t have to sneak around town drinking expressos lattes and Americanos with my friends on the sly?

                                                        Signed, Like Caffeine

 Dear Like,

Something about this letter suggests it’s from a mother writing and wondering what to do about her coffee chugging kid.

Yes, coffee is a bit addictive but of all the things a 12-year-old could do, this is not a battle I would pick. I think a cup o’ joe is less awful than handing your kid a can of Pepsi or Coke. Like everything else, it’s about moderation. —O.G.