Sun, 03/15/2015 - 8:00pm

Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

Regarding the woman who snacks in the grocery. If you are as old as I am, and I think you are, I've got to ask, can you remember a time when it was simply not thought of to eat in store aisles? I know my mother would have considered it bad manners, if not theft.

Regarding that lady’s family traditions, I myself am a second generation Midnight Florist. Let me explain. My mother was an immigrant from a country where flowers were everywhere. When she moved here Mom would routinely pick flowers from the gardens of summer folk during the off season and use them for our table or the church. Mostly, no one noticed but once, one lady was home and looking when my mom picked some of her rhubarb. My dad promptly received a phone call and Mom returned the rhubarb right away.

I still gather flowers from the yards of summer folks when they are gone. Though my friends here don't think that's proper at least I don't eat out of my shopping cart 'til I've paid and left.

Signed, L is for Lottie not Larcenist

Dear L is for,

Thanks for you letter don’t worry I have not forwarded your confession to the F.B.I. I didn’t have to. Since you sent it digitally to an online paper they already have a copy which has been placed in you file at the Botanical Crime Unit.

But before they cart you off to Botanamo (Sorry. I couldn’t pass that one up) let me share some observations. First, I can’t remember a time when people didn’t snack at the grocery. It’s something that has always been going on. I’m also glad I live in an era when, if a woman does something a neighbor is unhappy about she is not reported to her husband like someone calling pest control… but rather she is held accountable as an equal citizen. Hurray for progress!

Secondly, I have always contended that morality is a flexible, if not sometimes, arbitrary self drawn line. Mind you, this isn’t a value judgment, just an observation. I’ll give you an example. A church going, God-fearing woman I know always returns from the doctor with her pockets filled with those protective face masks. Mary likes to use them for projects around the house when dust is stirred up. She doesn’t think this is stealing because she contends the doctor want’s you to take them. Now, here’s the quandary: I think Mary is stealing because she believes in God and we all know those masks are there for people to wear in the waiting room to prevent the spread of germs; is Mary stealing?

When people take flowers from other people’s yards is it less of a theft because the flowers are going to the church? What if the flower’s owner is Protestant and doesn’t want her roses, which she pays a gardener year-round to maintain, going to a Catholic church, or vice-versa? Consider the classic story of the person who takes a loaf of bread to feed their hungry child. I would like to be forgiving but we might also find out he stole the bread from other starving children! See? Not so black and white.

If I have any point at all it’s that no matter what petty crime is committed it is the hypocrisy that compounds it one hundred-fold. I’d rather see someone shrug their shoulders and say I took a flower, a piece of candy, I stole, big deal! To my mind that person has a better chance of getting to heaven because, if there is a God, I think he or she knows who the hypocrites are! By the way, I took a few of those latex gloves from the hospital. Guess what, I stole! But now I can get into heaven. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

I’m an emergency room nurse at a small hospital. There’s something I have seen all too often. Something that I find disturbing. The other day was typical. A mother brought her 5 year-old daughter in with a high fever. Unfortunately, they had to wait for the doctor. Well, while they were waiting the mother spent every minute texting on her phone, ignoring her child. I mean I can see how a parent might have to get a message out to a Dad or a school or something but not over an hour’s worth of staring at the phone. Poor girl sat there neglected and the mother hardly acknowledged her at all. I want to say something to parent’s like this but what should it be?

Signed, Nellie the Nurse

Dear Nellie,

You have touched on a very sad state of affairs. People have become automatons, sad, slavish, extensions of their devices. I find it despicable that parents will ignore their kids in exchange for digital face time. Worse still is that these children will grow up with believing having little real life interaction is normal. Sad, sad, sad. Meanwhile developers of these electronics keep promising that the next great thing down the pike will be virtual reality. Hey! What about real reality? …and maybe that’s just it. While mind altering drug use is frowned upon, the alternative escapism has become socially acceptable. Life stinks? Problems at home? Money troubles? Try a little social media where you can live vicariously through people who are projecting a false happier version of themselves… but I’ll stop my rant here.

You asked what you can say to someone who is ignoring their sick kid in the emergency room. Some words to spur them to attention. How about something like, May I do something for you so you can comfort your child while waiting for the doctor? or We have some books here you can read aloud to your daughter while waiting… or if things are truly desperate try my favorite line… you brought your kid to the emergency room and now, during what might be their last hours on earth, you’re texting. Shame on you! Now that I have made my suggestions let’s put it out to the readers for their input. Anyone? —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

Last week I was out on a date with a great woman. We were in a decent restaurant and during supper her phone rang. Now, I understand because Joan is a doctor she is going to have to answer all calls, but this is the thing, I hate her ring tone and have hated it since date one. It’s loud music like from her Zumba class or something. I can see how, in this day and age, that maybe ringtones are something couples would fight about, maybe even break up for… I’ve known Joan for about a month. Is it too soon for me to mention something about the obnoxious ringtone?

Signed, Can’t turn a deaf ear

Dear Can’t Turn,

Listen, I find all ring tones annoying. Unfortunately they have become a form of self expression. Many people pick them just because it announces to all present, here’s me in a nutshell. Well, almost everyone does that. Older folks can’t even figure out how to change the things. But that’s another story.

Is this the only problem you have with Joan? You are dating a doctor who’s in good enough shape to do Zumba and still you complain? Yea, I would tell her right away about the ringtone. That way she can tell you about your bald spot and more. Why not hasten the inevitable and save Joan the prolonged misery of discovering who you really are.

OK, maybe I’m too hard on you. Instead of telling Joan you hate her ringtone ask her about it. At least this gets the subject on the table and, if nothing else, you may find out she picked it for a very good reason like she’s hard of hearing or something. Alternatively you can hide her phone. Good luck. —O.G.